Unclaimed Tears

Who do these tears belong to? The ones that are filling the center of my chest with a feeling of emptiness and strangulation. I've searched my head for reasons but find none to justify the intensity of the dark stone that has anchored itself there.

I first recognized it during a sunny day. "Where did YOU come from?", I asked as I drove the familiar freeways home from work. My mind backstitched the day lifting up images of people or situations that may explain this presence. There were plenty of possibilities but none accounted for the circumference of dispair in the center of my chest.

True, I had recently breathed in various forms of hostility; person to person, religion to religion, culture to culture, candidate to candidate, manager to employee, customer to employee, family member to family member, all of which combined could create a spiritual tsunami. Could I be carrying a little bit of ALL of them? Had I allowed multiple energies from numerous sources to settle in me?

It has happened in me before. When Princess Diana died, I felt for weeks as if the tears of the world resided in me. A depth of emotion traveled through me as if I were a conduit for the global grieving souls who mourned her loss. I could not explain it nor let it go. I reached out for healing to move me through it. Throughout my personal herstory as the media pictures and stories of God's innocents lying bloodied, mutilated, lost and hopeless their eyes questioning the 'why' of their situation, (whether that occured as a natural disaster or human induced), I felt the stone of sadness then too.

But I know that looking for the WHY is so often an ugly and endless journey. Finding the answer to WHY too often ends in blame and finger pointing and conclusions of "if only". As in, "if only SOMEone or SOMEthing had been different, this tragedy would not have occured. Life is what it is. I find no satisfaction going down the road of who's responsible for this heaviness of heart. I'd rather
determine what to do to alleviate it.

For my own health, mental, physical and spiritual, I intend to cry. To let go of the tears of whoever is using me as a conduit to find an out to their sadness. Perhaps it will then provide release to whatever souls have reached across time and space to for someone to feel their pain, embrace their struggle and allow new light to shine in their hearts. Perhaps as they travel the highways of their lives they will feel that release and ask, "Now where did that come from?", and be content to embrace it with a smile.

And when my heart is lifted without mental reason, I will thank whomever is doing the same for me.

A Stitch and Time

Sewing, I've discovered, is not only a favorite pastime but my metaphor for living. I begin with a full length of fabric, cut out multiple pieces, then sew them together to match the picture on the pattern cover. Easy? Nope. The fabric has right sides and wrong sides. The pattern's arrows and dots need to be matched up accurately. I achieve the best product results when I use the correct thread; cotton or polyester for strength and hold; rayon topstitching for beauty and stitch intensity; silk for fine weave fabrics. And I need the appropriate needle. Rounded point, stretch needle, sharp, topstitch, embroidery, leather, denim, twin or wing.

My life follows those principles. I begin with all possibilities spread before me, choose the ones I want to fit together, and then imagine what picture will result. Easy? Nope. The possibilities have positive results or negative results. My timing doesn’t always match up or I miss the arrows leading to match points. Now for holding the possibilities together. Is it my intention to plan for long-term durability? Do I select based on image or public approval or self satisfaction? As I move forward with my plan I need to wisely decide when to use gentleness and when to be direct but possibly unpopular. It’s important to consider whether I’m dealing with folks who are tough as leather, woven tight as denim or perhaps fragile as tulle or voile. What kind of tracks do I intend to leave for the future? Do I require the backup of a solid twin plan or the distinctly fragile but beautiful proven affect of the heirloom wing needle design?

And then there’s backstitching. In order for my plans not to unravel I back up once in awhile tracing my steps to be sure I’m still on my chosen path. Is it possible for my journey to move forward by sheer determination? Or will I require some underlying support (in sewing--the bobbin and stabilizer) from my interior strengths and/or external advisors on the journey?

In any given circumstance, should I choose the path of clear contrast--black and white rigid rules for instance, or a blend of multicolor threads/diversified sources? And when my process comes to completion, will it still resemble the images I began with or will it have morphed into whatever influences time stitched into its journey?

Multiple outcomes present themselves in the questions. A stitch and time reveals the end product.

Reversed Lighthouse Effect

I like lighthouses. They spread their wide beams full circle on a darkened body of water. When I am in the periphery I can reassess my location and choose my path to safety. The light has no ego, it is not drawing attention to itself, it just serves to light the darkness and leaves the destination up to me.

Now make the leap with me here. . .I've been finding many talk shows really boring. Finally I recognized why. The hosts and guests alike seem to search for a light beam that shines on THEM and supposes the rest of us will follow the light to satisfy their ego need for recognition. To bring glorifcation and applause for what they have done to get themselves noticed. They work to HOLD the beam of light, not to let it expand their view of what or who is out there in the undiscovered world. This is when I find my energy draining. No one is funny enough to hold my attention for a full hour when the light keeps returning to the person in the 'chair'. So Jay Leno, David Letterman, Conan O'Brien, you fulfill my image of Reversed Lighthouse Effect.

The talk show I enjoy the most, the one that both enlightens and entertains me by shining the light on science, politics, environmental concerns, personal talent, health, nutrition, everyday heroism, concern for all creatures great and small, literature, gender issues, money management and more, is ELLEN. For me she provides a Holistic view of life as seen from the Lighthouse. It inspires me to find my own way out of the darkness through information. The true Lighthouse Effect.

Maybe when your name is defining all you believe in and stand for in such a public way, it creates a humility to be fully genuine whenever the light crosses your place in the great body of humanity? No, in the case of ELLEN I think she comes TO the light already humble and genuine. So she doesn't need to have the light affirm her. Therefore she allows the light to keep moving on to other subjects and objects of concern and interest.

Just the way I see it today. What thoughts does this spark for you?